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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
bras are booby-traps
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?