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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.