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I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
When in doubt, take a nap.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.