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My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
My IQ? ... With google or without?
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is
I`m trying to give up sexual innuendos. But it`s hard........so hard......
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)