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Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?