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Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.