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It may look like I’m in deep thought, but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…