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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
I don`t mind people sneezing in public. It`s that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.
This hangover feels like Quentin Tarantino directed it.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat…It’s watching what other people eat.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
A world without Facebook would be much more productive.
I like people the most when I`m by myself.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.