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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
I have off-road rage, too
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it`s always collecting dust.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.