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Sometimes I feel bad about the things I say and do, but today is not one of those days.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?