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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.