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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.