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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
make little things count. teach midgets math.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
I don`t take steroids because I never want to look like I`m capable of helping my friends move.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
If flying is really so safe, then why is it called the `terminal`?
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Bad decisions make good stories.