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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to "Unstable"
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.