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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Everytime I see “ROFL”… I think of Scooby Doo trying to say “waffle”.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
Diet plan: make friends fatter
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC