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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not as funny when you live by yourself.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.