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I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds