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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
I’m starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?