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Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.