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I like to friend friends of friends then unfriend the first friend to freak out the friend of a friend.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.