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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
It’s interesting how the ads on Youtube never have trouble buffering
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store