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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I slept like a rock last night, meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Not so great minds also think alike.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.