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You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
If you think about it,, Batman was pretty lazy about naming all his stuff.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
Why has no one invented a button next to snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Just ate a sleeve of crackers on my wife`s side of the bed.. I`ll let you know...
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.