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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I`m pretty sure apple kid below needs help..
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell