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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Facebook: Proving that just because you have an opinion doesn`t mean you should share it.
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
My newsfeed looks like a cross between a Civil War Soldier and ZZ Top photo album.