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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
I grew up for this?
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it