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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.