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I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Mom: Clean your room. We`re having guests over for dinner. Me: I didn`t realize that dinner will be held in my room.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.