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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
So I didn`t want to wake up this morning and go to work. It`s not that I don`t like my job, it`s just that I like being lazy more.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
It was all so different before everything changed.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.