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I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”