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My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.