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Of all the things I have lost in life I mis my mind the most
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Kinda makes you wonder how many employees used to piss on their hands in the bathroom before management finally took action
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents