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I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
I could kill you with kindness, but shoving you into traffic just saves so much time.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn.....it`s dead yarn now, though.