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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don`t feel like doing.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
Friday. The golden child of the weekdays. The superhero of the workweek. The welcome wagon to the weekend. The famous F word we thank God for every week.