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How does one get a nice body without moving?
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
just watched my first full episode of jersey shore... #ashamed of new entertainment
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.