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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.