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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world...
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…