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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.