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It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin? (asking for a friend)
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
It`s never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".
My problem has always been a Constipated Brain and my mouth has the Runs.......
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....