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I don`t care about your status...
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?