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Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
My parents are visiting. So I pretty much know how much gas cost everywhere.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?