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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
This century is already 15% over.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.