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I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
Today, I`m really gonna give it my nothing
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.