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“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.