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My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"