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Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says "trust me, you don`t want to know."
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…