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I think I need to return my GPS...no matter what it can`t help me find easy street
Hunting is easier for vegans because it’s easier to sneak up on plants.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Are you really sorry or are you just Charlie Sheen sorry?
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.