Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.