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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.