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I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.