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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.