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This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Me: *kisses her on both cheeks goodbye* Cashier: That`s really not necessary
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes