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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.