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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
I`m getting really tired of being really tired of stuff.
The Internet: An electronic version of, "Now, why did I walk into this room?"
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"