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I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.