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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Better late than pregnant.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats
Reincarnation is my only hope.