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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves