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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
We spend so much money on buying different clothes... without realizing the best moments are spent without clothes
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"