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Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
I bet Captain Crunch has some amazing abs.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin