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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
Life is far too short to remove the USB safely.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.