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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
I hope someone I hate hears their first Christmas song this year in October.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.