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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I want to cover you in expensive things…like gasoline.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!