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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.