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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I am currently watching the Holy Grail of horror movies. There are 10 minutes left and the black guy is still alive.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Don`t be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.