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I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
I`m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.