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Screw it, Iām starting Friday now.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don`t want to go out with a weirdo.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.