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The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do!
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
How come know-it-alls don`t know how annoying they are?
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.