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Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don’t stare.. Unless you’re wearing sunglasses.
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Girl: I have changed my mind. Boy: Thank God! Does the new one work?
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.