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You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.