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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If I have ten pieces of bacon and you take five pieces, what do you have? Thats right., A black eye and a broken hand!
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
That sound the Ketch-up make when you squeeze out the last drop, NEVER fails in making people laugh
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
thjeo oskl asopa joa sajksla wioj apska shul bhcgy ....Yes I just wasted your time ;)
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?