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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?