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I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
I`m not saying not to trust the Internet, but there is an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I`ve won and the number of iPads I own.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.