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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.