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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.
I`m celebrating 1 year of sobriety today ... I think it was 1989 ... Cheers!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.