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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.