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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Is there a way to politely throw breathe mints in someone`s mouth while they`re talking?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.