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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Sleeping is so difficult when you have a world awake in your phone.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her