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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.