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If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Teens are always full of energy until someone says the words "clean up".
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Actually told a girl who`s moving to France soon that "there`s lots of French people over there". It`s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.