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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Sex is great, but.....Have you ever had stuffed crust pizza?!?!
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
That tenth doctor is a selfish idiot, he never recommends anything!
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?