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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
When someone tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told, twice now.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
I find myself highly addicted to books as of late. Once I start coloring the first few pages I can`t stop....
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?