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Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
My New Year`s resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
I can’t remember ever being told I’m a bad listener
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet