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If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Tony Soprano dead....Whitey Bulger on trial...coincidence??? I think not!
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.