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You just don`t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
morning i hate girls evening i need girls