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Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time