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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. It’s giving payment when payment is due that I seem to struggle with.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Life is hard ... It`s harder if you`re stupid.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords