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As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.