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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?