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When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
It`s all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it`s voodoo dolls and arson reports.