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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.