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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Life gets expensive when you trust a cute woman.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
Last person to like this wins a prize.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.