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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
Better late than pregnant.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.