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Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I don`t have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
sleep is for people without netflix
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.