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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Liquor makes me happy, You ..... not so much.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.