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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?