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I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
My wife and I decided not to have children. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.