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What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn`t make sandwiches? A compromise.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
If the Internet was never invented... what would we all be doing now?
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...