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Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner`s high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.