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If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.