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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I fake my lol`s