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I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Standing up: Wow, I`m actually kind of skinny. Sitting down: Okay, maybe not..
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
We should`ve let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
If video games have taught me anything, it`s that you`ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
Ladies, wonder if he`s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It`s people I don`t trust.