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My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or prettier than you. That would be me.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.