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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they’re alive?
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
People were shocked when they found I wasn`t a good electrician. :-)
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.