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Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
You never know how dirty a song`s lyrics are until you hear a child sing them.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?