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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?