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Taco Bell is donating burritos to feed firefighters in Colorado. Talk about putting gas on the fire,
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.