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WebMD needs to add the question "Have you eaten Taco Bell today?" when asking about stomach-related symptoms.
You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I have Beer.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?