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I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Marriage is for quitters
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Deep down I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?